Funny Dog Jokes ... Dog Stories ... Dog Quotes

Relax and enjoy some funny dog jokes and stories!

I know this site is about natural health remedies for dogs, but wouldn't it be nice to have a page that is about "dogs' natural remedies" for us? After all, playing or just being with our dogs is therapeutic. Their remedies are very simple - they give us lots of love and of course lots of laughter. Yes, dogs make us laugh. What better remedy can you get?

Here, you can find some funny dog jokes and stories, as well as quotes that will sure make you chuckle, or maybe even laugh out loud!

Enjoy, and share them with your friends and other dog lovers. Spread the joy!

Click on any of the following funny dog jokes/stories to read them:

Caught in the Act (Warning: Not Suitable for Children!)
Life Lessons Learned from a Dog
A Dog's Questions to God
A Dog's Dictionary
Dogs As Teachers
Dog Haiku
How to Make a Puppy Pie

And don't forget to enjoy these dog quotes!

For more "laughter remedies", see our page on funny dog pictures!

Funny Dog Jokes and Stories

Caught in the Act

It was midnight.

Outside, it was hot and steamy. A summer storm was brewing. You could hear the rolling thunder in the distance.

Inside, the air was hot and charged as well.

They were sitting on the couch, staring into each other's eyes, wondering why they had not noticed each other sooner. They were so different, and yet so ... compatible.

Slowly, they moved closer to each other until their bodies touched. Their hearts were throbbing, their pulses racing. He leaned forward and could feel her breath on his face. "Fish for dinner again." He chuckled to himself and wondered if she would eat anything else...

The lights suddenly went out. Must have been the thunder. They couldn't see each other in the dark and yet were very much aware of each other's presence. They knew what happened next was inevitable. They both knew it was wrong, but it felt so right...

He reached for her and held her closely. Right at that moment, the lights went back on, and oh no, they were caught in the act! (Warning: Click to see the picture only if you are over 18!)

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Life Lessons Learned from a Dog

If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

Don't go out without ID.

Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes.

Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.

When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).

If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

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A Dog's Questions to God

Dear God, Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God, When we get to heaven can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God, Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,The colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?

Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?

Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.

Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God, May I have my testicles back?

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A Dog's Dictionary

Leash: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your owner where you want him or her to go. Make sure that you are waiting patiently with leash in mouth when your owner comes home from work. This immediatly makes your owner feel guilty and the walk is lengthened by a good 10 minutes.

Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as a white bedspread, newly upholstered couch or the dry cleaning that was just picked up.

Drool: What you do when your owners have food and you don't.To do this properly, sit as close as you can, look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or better yet on their laps.

Sniff: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs or those people that sometimes smell like dogs.

Garbage Can: A container your neighbors put out weekly to test your ingenuity.Stand on your hind legs and push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with food wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume, moldy crusts of bread and sometimes even an old Nike.

Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The rider swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

Thunder: A signal the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.

Wastebasket: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house. This is particularly fun to do when there are guests for dinner and you prance around with the contents of that very special bathroom wastepaper basket!

Sofas: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. If there are people sitting on the couch just include them as a handy wipe.

Bath: A process owners use to clean you, drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

Lean: Every good dog's response to the command "sit," especially if your owner is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

Love: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction, shared by you and your owner. Show it by wagging your tail

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Dogs as Teachers

If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest - practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and flop under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

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Dog Haiku

I love my master
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle

I am your best friend
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating

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How to Make a Puppy Pie

Take one puppy, roll and play until lightly pampered, then add the following ingredients:

1 cup patience
1 cup understanding
1 pinch correction
1 cup hard work
2 cups praise
1 1/2 cups fun

Blend well.

Heat with warmth of your heart until raised or until puppy has doubled in size.

Mix with owner until consistency is such that owner and puppy are one.

Enjoy!

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Dog Quotes

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
- Gene Hill

"Puppies are nature's remedy for feeling unloved, plus numerous other ailments of life."
- Richard Allan Palm

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
- Unknown

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
- James Thurber

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
- Ben Williams

"If you can't decide between a Shepherd, a Setter or a Poodle, get them all ... adopt a mutt!"
- ASPCA

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
- Unknown

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
- Andrew A. Rooney

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
- Mark Twain

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
- Robert A. Heinlein

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
- Unknown

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